The Compleat Heretic's Personal Photos

A Christmas Day Snapshot (2006)

This is a casual photo of me taken by my mother while we were fooling around with her cheesy little knock-off digital camera which worked reasonably well. Oh my, how gray my beard has gotten!

An American Warrior in the Bundesrepublik Marneland (1986)

"NO, NO, I DON'T WANT TO FIRE MY RIFLE, AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!," protested he as he locked and loaded his first 30-round magazine...

Ah, there's nothing quite like spending a Bavarian summer day at the local range and putting a few rounds downrange even if it's only the local 25-meter range near Aschaffenburg. HOO-WAH! As I recall, I was a brand new, bright and shiny unit armorer and was there as the duty armorer, but I still got to shoot even though I wasn't required to participate in the range. I hope we didn't disturb the Forstmeister too much.

And yes, that is a military assault rifle in my right hand, specifically, Rifle, 5.56mm NATO, M16A1, which is just one of many reasons how and why I know that a civilian look-alike AR15-series rifle is NOT a military assault rifle, never will be, never can be...

Specialist James Matthew Wallace,
HQ & A Company, 26th Forward Support Battalion, 3rd Infantry Division (Mechanized) (1987)

O, the military bearing! O, the pride! Damn, I looked good in my Class A's! Rock of the Marne!

"I'm Matt Wallace of the Clan Wallace, and you'll do well ne'er to forget it!" (1988)

No one believed that I would actually wear my kilt when I got it; having known me for as much as 18 months, they should have known better! As I was heading for the gate, I got several wolf whistles and even an exclamation of "Nice legs!" from some of the boys of the 1/7 Infantry. Ah, those Cottonbalers; it seems that grunts will go for anything in a skirt! After I made a scene in the billets and on Graves Kaserne, I took my show down the "strahss." The Aschaffenburgers generally loved it with the exception of a fat, ugly, sour-faced cow at my favorite restaurant, Pizzeria Venezia. A-burg had a population of about 60,000 Germans and 10,000 Americans, so being a small town, word of my crosscultural excursion spread rather quickly. The next day, the German girlfriend of one of the guys in my unit heard about it from a coworker. I love it!

"I'm Uncle Matt? I'm Uncle Matt!" (1995)

This is the first photo of me and my first nephew, Zach, the most photographed child in all of human history, or at least the history of photography. He was about two or three days old.

Failing to Grab the 1996 Olympic Flame (1996)

I was attempting to create a novelty shot with the Olympic Flame in my palm. My sister was using an Instamatic-type camera instead of an SLR camera. A viewfinder gives a different perspective than looking through the lens. DUH! Neither my sister nor I took this into consideration. As my drill sergeants would say, "All that book learning and no common sense!" And as I would always think (and dare not say!) in retort, "Well, at least I've got one of the two!" FYI, the OD green item I'm wearing is an Army two-quart canteen; during the Dog Days in the South, even the evenings are hot and humid, and it's good to have plenty of water.

"Not Another Photo of Me and These Krazy Koreans!" (1996)

My sister and I had tickets for the cheapie nosebleed seats for the Cuba vs. Korea baseball game. There were so many empty seats that we sat in the section near the right foul pole and had a good view down the first base line. Almost as soon as we had settled in, my sister looked over her shoulder and said, "Are we in their seats?" I turned my head and saw two or three dozen Korean fans. They took up several rows immediately behind us. They were beating inflatable batons, blowing whistles, banging small gongs, and making chants and cheers all under the leadership of rotating head cheerleaders. I realized that some of the chants were the names of the Korean batters, so I joined in! KO-RE-A!! KO-RE-A!! They were making such a scene that they, as well as my sister and I, were on the stadium projection screen frequently. People were coming over to take pictures and videotapes of the group, even from the other side of the stadium! My sister and I are in dozens of photo albums and on videotapes across the country and even around the world! Also, the game was good and exciting even though Korea lost. Are we having fun yet!?

Attempting to Bring Forth the Wondrous Babyspew (1997)

This is the first photo of me and my second (and last) nephew, Kyle, who is destined to be the second most photographed child in all of human history, or at least the history of photography, if only because his brother, Zach, the most photographed child in all of human history, or at least the history of photography, is a first-born and had a two-and-a-half-year headstart. I was passing through our grandmother's kitchen when my sister handed me Kyle and his bottle and told me to feed him. I know better than to refuse! (What do you mean that you don't want to care for and to bond with your nephew, with MY CHILD!) Who am I to refuse, and anyway, the best part of being an bachelor uncle is the chance to get lots of practice being a daddy. He was about six weeks old.